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Thursday, 2 October 2014

Black Mac Rides Again!

I thought it was too harsh to ask for one of these.
I was asked to outline my needs for a gig, talking to children. Knowing how megastars are expected to behave, I replied:

Please have the following placed in my dressing-room. There will be no need to provide a butler, as my own will be in attendance.

He is trained in the arcane rites required to perform transgressive fibrillation, and will accompany me on the pandemonium.

I will, however, need the following items:

            Protective wear for low-hanging fruit;

            A pogo stick that goes on water;

            A transmodal interlineator;

            A bellwether predictor;

            A combined hat and flea trap;

            A Tortellini-to-English translator;

            An automated cabbage fulminator;

            A reliable hypotenuse trimmer;

            A recipe for dandelion gin;

            Transparent socks for obsessive nelipots;

            A robotic pomposity defenestrator;

            A robust dephlogisticator;

            A post-ballistic camel;

            A pre-ordained vicar;

            A rigged thimble;

            A horse-drawn bicycle;

            A horse-drawn bicycle pump;

            A granularity-chunking device;

            A teabag anemometer;

            A ketchup bombilator;

            A less lewd-sounding term for futtocks;

            A clockwork spooneriser;

            A fire-proof umbrella;

            A portable bridge with troll gates;

            A working anapest filter;

            A spatterdash for spiders;

            A list of words stressed on the preantepenultimate;

            A tool for culminating beans;

            Clear copyright to the title 'Of Meissen Men';

            An aeolian pantechnicon;

            A one-dimensional tesseract;

            A landing ground for flying tortoises;

            A spandrel inculcating box;

            A tested recipe for ice cream soup;

            A device for straining at gnats;

            A transcript of the verdict in Jarndyce v. Jarndyce;

            A reliable beater for paths in woods;

            A brown paper bag infatuator;

            A jar for storing potentiated rosewater; and

            A less cruel substitute for newt's eyes in the 'Pharmacopoeia Maleficarum'.

As an afterthought, the pandemonium is probably too heavy for easy manual delivery. Please have a large hole (23 metres by 4 metres) opened in the ceiling so the instrument can be lowered into position.

Alternatively, a cup of tea would be nice.

We had fun at the gig.  Here's Toni Brisland wowing them.

 And here are the assembled megastars

Me, Tony Flowers, Toni Brisland, Felicity Pulman.
They gave us all chocolates.

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